The Quiet Pupils We Miss: Why Autistic Girls Who Seem 'Fine' May Be Struggling
The Quiet Pupils We Miss: Why Autistic Girls Who Seem 'Fine' May Be Struggling
In many classrooms, there are pupils who appear to be doing everything expected of them. They follow instructions, complete their work and rarely draw attention to themselves. They are often described as quiet, capable and well-behaved. Among these pupils are autistic girls who are working incredibly hard to appear as though they are coping. And this deserves our attention.
The hidden work behind ‘coping’
Many autistic girls mask their differences in school, adjusting their behaviour to fit in. They might copy what other children are doing, stay quiet even when unsure, rehearse what to say before speaking, or push themselves to meet expectations that feel unclear or uncomfortable. This requires sustained effort throughout the day. While it may not disrupt learning, it can be deeply tiring.
If they’re coping, why does it matter?
It is easy to assume that if a pupil is managing in class, there is no cause for concern. But masking does not mean a child feels comfortable or supported. It often means they are working hard to manage in an environment that feels challenging. Many autistic girls are holding in their needs, monitoring themselves closely and trying to avoid getting things wrong. This effort is not always visible, but it is significant.
What we don’t always see
Because these pupils are not presenting with obvious difficulties, their needs can be overlooked. However, the impact of masking may show up in other ways:
emotional release after school
increased anxiety
tiredness or withdrawal
a strong need for routines or predictability
These are often connected to the effort of getting through the school day.
Why this can change over time
Many autistic girls who appear to cope in primary school begin to find things more difficult as they move into secondary education. As social, sensory and academic demands increase, the effort required to keep masking can become harder to sustain.
Over time, this can lead to:
emotional exhaustion and burnout
increased anxiety
low self-esteem
a growing sense of ‘not getting it right’
school avoidance or distress
For some pupils, these unmet needs may begin to present as SEMH (social, emotional and mental health) difficulties. By this stage, support is often introduced, but much later than it could have been. Early recognition in primary settings can help prevent this escalation.
Rethinking what ‘doing well’ looks like
In schools, we often identify need based on what we can see. But for autistic girls, much of the effort is internal A pupil who appears engaged, compliant and socially included may still be experiencing confusion, anxiety or sensory overload. Autistic girls are not any less ‘autistic’; their differences are just more easily overlooked. Recognising this allows us to better understand what ‘coping’ really means.
What can teachers do?
Supporting autistic girls does not require large changes. Small, thoughtful adjustments can make a meaningful difference.
Notice the quiet pupils
Consider who is not asking for help, as well as who is.
Create safe ways to communicate
Provide simple language such as ‘I need help’ or ‘I need a break’.
Reduce unnecessary pressure
Flexibility around participation can support confidence and reduce anxiety.
Prepare for change
Clear, predictable information helps pupils feel more secure.
Allow time to recover
After periods of high demand, quiet space and access to sensory or calming tools can support regulation.
Work with families
Parents and carers often see the impact of masking most clearly.
Seeing what isn’t immediately visible
When we look beyond behaviour, we begin to see a fuller picture of a child’s experience.
A pupil who appears to be coping may still be using a great deal of energy to manage the school day.
By recognising this earlier, we can reduce the risk of children reaching crisis point, and instead create environments where they feel safe, understood and able to be themselves.
Jen Staunton
If you're looking for a child-friendly way to help a young autistic girl understand and celebrate who she is, my book I'm Autistic & Fabulous! was written specifically for girls aged 5–10 and has been recommended by leading autism professionals.